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A Civil Partnership
A CIVIL PARTNERSHIP (CP)
Presented at The Vine, 5 November 2006
Note to the reader: a podcast of this talk is available to members of the Wharfedale Vineyard web site. On the recording it is followed by a testimony by Michael and June Flowers concerning their experience of discovering that their son is gay. It links with a seminar presented by Martin Hallett about sexuality which is also available by podcast to members of the web site.
The booklet by Andrew Goddard (Grove books, Ethics series), “Friends, Partners or Spouses”) is very helpful in summarising the effect of the Civil Partnership legislation.
The Archers is a long running radio soap which plays for 15 minutes each evening of the week. Over the decades it has accurately tracked the cultural shifts of our times.
• Last week there was an episode when Adam tells his mother Jennifer and stepfather Brian that his boyfriend Ian has proposed to him. Jennifer seems delighted at the prospect of a gay marriage with presents and champagne and everything. Brian is non-plussed.
• This week I was talking to a friend who had been invited to a neighbour’s CP ceremony except that they called it a gay wedding with a wedding gift list. My friend was deeply exercised over whether or not to go – if they didn’t go they would offend their friends, but if they did go it would imply approval by being there to “witness” the signing of the CP document. They lost sleep and were extremely anxious about what to do. It was a cause of disagreement within their own marriage.
• I punched the phrase “gay wedding” into Google and within 0.21 seconds was offered ½ million sites.
On the 5th December 2005 a new form of legal relationship for same sex couples was established in the UK called a CP. Although commonly thought of as gay marriage it is actually legally a completely new form of relationship alongside singleness and marriage. So, from a legal and financial point of view, the state looks upon you as either single - or married - or in a CP.
Having said that, it is quite clear that the legislation is fundamentally based on the institution of marriage; the Christian sacrament that is enshrined in UK law.
There are some differences, mainly minor ones, for example there need not be any spoken vows in a CP ceremony and no religious ceremony is allowed.
The main difference arises, interestingly, in the reasons given for ending a CP. Any reference to sexual activity is excluded – unlike marriage. In marriage, one of the grounds for divorce is absence of sex or non-consummation of the marriage and also, of course, sex outside marriage - adultery.
But in almost every other aspect, a CP behaves like a marriage. As Andrew Goddard (Grove books, Ethics series, “Friends, Partners or Spouses”) says, “In short, the government claims that although it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is not really a duck.”
How are we to respond to this new legal identity that people can now have?
In some ways we should welcome it:
1. It puts right an injustice in that people were being treated differently because of their sexual orientation: lack of pension rights, refusal of hospital visits etc. Undoubtedly making that correction is a good thing.
2. You could argue that it is good that someone who is not involved sexually but is close to a same sex person should enjoy the lifelong companionship afforded by marriage to heterosexual couples. CPs allow this.
However, the existence of CPs create some significant challenges that mean one must question the wisdom of entering into them:
1. They are meant to be lifelong
Although no promises of that nature are made the legislation is clearly framed with that intention.
Our call as followers of Jesus is, by contrast, a lifelong commitment to him. The only exception demonstrated in the bible is that of marriage – which involves sex, family and a mutual calling to serve God. Even marriage is to some degree ethically compromised; note Paul’s comment in 1 Corinthians 7, “It is good for a man not to marry…”
If the lifelong commitment we are making is outside marriage it is even more difficult to place alongside a life that is exclusively committed to following Jesus.
2. Exclusive to one person
Like marriage, you can only have one civil partner. It is not friendship, where you can have several friends of different sorts, although that is a good way to think about these relationships. Relationships are fluid and come and go. Marriage and CPs are exclusive and leave others out. This is very different from a celibate calling, which is a calling not to be married.
3. Create family ties
CPs are not marriage yet they create a legal family unit with wider family relationships – brothers and sisters in law, sons and daughters in law, parents in law, aunts, uncles etc. This is definitely a big step away from just friendship and, in terms of its effect on others is a very important responsibility to be considered.
4. Compromises Marriage
Although Paul sometimes does question the practicality of marriage; he also makes a strong case for not undermining marriage (1 Timothy 4:3). Entering a CP creates a legal impediment for future marriage. Just as you can’t marry someone if you are already married neither can you marry if in a CP. One has to declare previous “states” in the marriage register and these have now been extended to include “civil partnership dissolved” and “surviving civil partner”. This, both in theory and soon in practice will undermine and create impediments to marriage.
5. Viewed as gay marriage
Whether the government calls it a duck or not it is seen as a duck by everyone as I illustrated at the beginning; wedding lists, pink weddings etc. If someone enters into a CP, people will assume that it is a gay marriage involving a full sexual relationship.
6. Sexual relationships outside marriage
And here we come to identify the elephant that is sitting in the middle of the room. The place of sex in our lives and relationships.
I want to come to that in just a moment but first of all I want to set a context. When, in 2002, Barbara Roche said, “this would bring law and practice into line with the reality of people’s lives”, her hammer hit the nail on the head.
It may or may not be government’s role to adapt law and practice into line with people’s lives. But that is definitely not the role of the church. People who follow Jesus will find that the way he calls us to live does not change.
In the 1930s Hitler began preaching a message of racial intolerance, of Aryan supremacy. Something happened in that society, only 70 years ago, which was culturally accepted and led to changes in law and practice but which was; from any objective viewpoint, before, during or since, wrong. The follower of Jesus was forced to identify that this was one cultural and legal shift they were not going to accept. Famously, the theologian and pastor, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, neither accepted this, nor kept quiet. He continued preaching and teaching the truth that every person was created in the image of God, God loved them all and so should we. It was not long before he was first imprisoned and, in due course, executed.
Our society is changing and preaching a message of sexual ambiguity. The offensive behaviour within the Big Brother House for example has become acceptable and in a post modern mind set anything goes except intolerance. All sorts of sexual activity are not only tolerated but promoted.
As followers of Jesus, where do we draw the line? First of all, let me ask you a question:
• Are you struggling with homosexuality?
o You are welcome here.
• Are you a homosexual?
o You are welcome here.
• Have you had sex before marriage?
o You are welcome here.
• Have you committed adultery?
o You are welcome here.
• Do you struggle with lust and pornography?
o You are welcome here.
• Do you view internet pornography or watch sex films?
o You are welcome here.
• Have you slept around?
o You are welcome here.
This is what we call a community of faith. It is where people who follow Jesus gather together and share their lives. It is where we come to learn how to receive forgiveness, seek healing from our brokenness and learn to live lives that are being changed to become more whole and more like Jesus.
Whether you are struggling with a really difficult issue or are actually doing things that are wrong, this is a place where you can discover that God is merciful and gracious. He can do a miracle in your life which will set you free, free to follow him and free to get rid of whatever it is that comes between you and him.
Hebrews 4:16 says that we can “approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
We deal elsewhere in a more detailed way with the specific issue of homosexuality (Martin Hallett’s talk), so I am going to focus not on homosexuality but on sex and its place in our lives and thereby demonstrate why I don’t support CPs.
Sex is an awesome, amazing, wonderful way of giving and receiving pleasure with someone you love. Paul also describes it as a profound mystery (Ephesians 5:32). Where shall we go to understand how it works best?
We could go to our friends, the internet, read what celebrities like Jordan say, study the magazines, take example from films and books, listen to the government, ask the professional agencies. Subtly these are all speaking to us anyway, brain washing us, dirty washing us perhaps.
What they all say goes along the lines of, “Sex is trivial, cheap, give or take it. There is little risk attached to it, no damage can come of it. It is easy to do it and there are few consequences. Sex is your right, take it when you want it, certainly don’t deny yourself.”
Which is all completely, incredibly, utterly, false. Nonsense.
Interestingly, sex was created by God. He also created us. So I think it is fairly obvious that if we want to know how sex will work best we need to go to God. To the manufacturer’s handbook – the bible.
In contrast to everyone else, the bible actually elevates sex and calls it a profound mystery!
The Report of the Theology Committee of the House of Bishops of the Episcopal Church said this, “We believe sexuality is one of God’s wonderful, complex, confusing, and, sometimes, dangerous gifts.”
But wonderful though it is, sex is not necessary for a life. I know that may shock you but actually you don’t have any right to sex. You won’t die if you don’t have sex, nothing will drop off or stop working.
• Many of us have an appetite for alcohol – but we don’t have to drink it and we would be none the worse if we didn’t. I know several people who never drink alcohol and they look perfectly normal and healthy to me.
• Many of us have an appetite for chocolate – but we don’t have to eat it, no we don’t! We would survive perfectly well if we never ate any more chocolate. The only difference it would make might be to help us lose weight.
• Many of us have an appetite for sex – but we don’t have to do it. I will bet you can’t tell who is a virgin by looking at them. Whether you are or are not makes not the slightest difference to how you look, talk, work, play sport, read books or eat your lunch. If you never have sex it will not fundamentally make any difference to your health and well being.
Let’s look at sex another way. Sex is both wonderful and dangerous. It is like fire.
In the grate fire is great. In the cooker it helps us make food. In the furnace it forges steel. In the hearth it warms us. In the ring of stones in the woods it makes a wonderful place to gather round and cook marshmallows.
Next summer many of us will be going to Ashburnham for a week’s holiday. I commend it to you. Worth every penny, just ask anyone who has been. They have some rules at Ashburnham. One is that you can only light campfires in the extensive woods and gardens within designated rings of stone placed around the grounds.
Last year some of our young people decided to light a fire elsewhere. We got into significant trouble because during a long hot summer the place was tinder dry and enormous damage could have been done. Why did those young people want to run the risk of such a disaster rather than simply light a fire in a safe and prepared place?
As we discover on November 5th each year, as they have discovered in California again over the last few weeks, when fire gets into the wrong place it creates devastation and disaster.
Sex is the same. In the right place it works really well. In the wrong place it can create havoc. God, the maker, has given us clear boundaries as to where it is meant to work and where it is dangerous.
Genesis 2:24
The central message of the bible concerning sex revolves around a statement in Genesis 2 which is subsequently quoted by both Jesus and Paul, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh.”
The bible affirms sex within marriage and indeed encourages it. However, sex outside marriage, whether heterosexual or homosexual, is always described as wrong. Sex as a good and wholesome thing is not discussed or shown in any other context apart from marriage.
It is as difficult and as simple as that.
Rather than go into a long description of the dangers of sex outside marriage – serious illness, pregnancy, a spoilt marriage bed, relationship pain – I would refer you to the following web site for example: www.imagenet.org.uk and a useful, if uncompromising book by Pam Stenzel, “Sex has a price tag” (ISBN 0-310-24971-6).
I want to dwell on what is precious and wonderful about sex within marriage. This is why I struggle with CP – because it undermines and mitigates against marriage.
Marriage is meant to be, “a life long committed relationship, characterised by fidelity, monogamy, mutual affection and respect, careful, honest communication and the holy love which enables those in such relationships to see in each other the image of God.” 73rd General Convention of the House of Bishops. Not much then! But that is what we are aiming for.
Within such a healthy marriage:
1. Sex is physically safe
If you both enter marriage as virgins it is 100% safe. No STIs, no AIDS, no worries. And, if you want children, no condoms. You can enjoy the fun and pleasure without worrying about the consequences – they are all good! It can be the good gift God intended it to be.
2. Sex is emotionally safe
Sexual intimacy creates a soul tie with someone. If that soul tie is not within marriage it is statistically much more likely to end in separation or rejection. So in order to avoid the inevitable pain we begin to shut down the emotional part of our relationship which then reduces sex to a mechanical act and makes us less than human.
Moreover, sex is often messy, fraught with foolish twists and turns and to indulge with someone you don’t trust can be humiliating.
3. Sex is socially safe
When you wear a ring, when you loudly and positively declare your marriage, it takes the sex option out of the discussion for you and others. You can build relationships without having to negotiate your sexual availability. No one will talk about you and your sex life when you keep it your marriage.
4. Sex is family safe
You can bring children into the world knowing that you are bringing them into the best possible environment for them. The Social Justice Policy Review has tracked 15,000 families over the last 6 years and has drawn the conclusion that when it comes to poverty, health, educational standards, crime and anti-social behaviour; raising children within marriages is overwhelmingly proven to produce the best results.
That is not to condemn those who find themselves raising children alone, we need to help them as much as possible (hence our partnership with Browning House). In fact, most single parents I know acknowledge that they have the most difficult job of all.
5. Sex is character safe
If you were to think of someone who sleeps around, how likely are you to be able to say, “I really respect their character.” On the other hand look at Ian and Hannah Ripping who got married last July or Mike and Sarah Byde who get married on 9 December. Both couples agreed that they would not have sex until they got married. To my mind, people who can make that commitment to each other and who can sustain the self discipline to keep to it gain a great deal of respect for their characters.
That continues during a marriage. The promise to be faithful and the keeping of that promise denotes a much better character than one that compromises by having sex outside marriage.
A boy or man being taunted by his friends for remaining a virgin can say, “What you have got, I can get anytime. What I have got, you will never have.”
6. Sex is spiritually safe
Sex is designed to be a self-sharing and mutual fidelity that is an image of the divine life, the intimate relationship between God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit (Theology Committee of the House of Bishops). We enter into what Paul calls, “a profound mystery”, which is not to be taken lightly and on a whim.
Within marriage we are doing something God has specifically put in place and thus we do not jeopardise our relationship with him.
Conclusion
Being single is a good place to be.
Marriage is also a good place to be. Healthy marriages are fundamentally important to us and our society – on almost any measure.
I consider marriage (being in a heterosexual, lifelong, monogamous, committed relationship) to be a God-ordained institution (a sacrament) to which some of us are called and in which we can enjoy the gift of sex.
As such we will do everything we can to promote healthy lives for people who are single and for those who are married. That will include the belief that sex is for marriage only.
It could be that you have come today knowing that in some way you have let the fire burn outside of the fireplace. Your sexual practice has fallen outside of God’s ordained plan.
If so then you need to know that you are welcome here with everyone else who has got things wrong and that you will receive grace and find mercy to help in your time of need.
David Flowers
5 November 2006
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David Flowers, 11/11/2006 |
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