Six on Sex 4: How shall we tell the children

When I was about 9 or 10, my Godfather took me to the chemist and bought me a clear lipstick and a bottle of clear nail varnish. You may be thinking “so what?” but to me that moment was very special. Let me unpack the picture for you a little more......

My Godfather is a Catholic Priest and always collected me from school on a Tuesday. He was my Dad’s best friend and they had worked together in London before my Dad died about 8 months before I was born. Every Tuesday he would be there at the school gates. He taught me how to make a decent cup of tea (mainly to save himself from the revolting stuff I first offered), he argued with me about tricky faith questions which turned into a love of theology and he laughed at my jokes! In many ways Goddad modelled a sort of ‘fatherhood’ to me.

So, there we were in the chemist. The priest and the little girl. He bought me my first make-up – did it raise a few eyebrows in the chemist? Probably! Did it look odd? Definitely! Why? Because it is quite a fatherly thing to do.

Why do I remember this day? What is its significance? Why should it matter? Because it affirmed me as a girl. I’m not saying that make-up makes us more female, only that in that moment, I felt good about being a girl, I felt beautiful, loved and secure.

Can a lipstick and some nail varnish really achieve all of that? NO! – It wasn’t the make-up; it was the action of a man who knew that this little girl needed a good male role model to affirm her sexuality. How weird it would take a priest to do that!

This talk is aimed at those of you who have any contact with children – parents, teachers, friends, family. So that probably means most of us!

I have three children aged 3 months, 3 and a half and 6. All girls and all very different. Yet despite their differences, they have something in common – they are all girls. The two eldest know this – they know they are not boys, they know boys look different. They know their bodies are different and that this is for a reason. They both know that as they grow up, their bodies will grow too and they will change. After my recent pregnancy and giving birth, we fielded some fairly tough questions about babies.

Did we give them exactly the same information?
Not always
Did we always tell the truth?
Yes

As parents, we tried to give age appropriate information that points towards a healthy body image and is truthful. We don’t want to scare our children but we also don’t want to confuse them with tales of storks, cabbage patches and strangely named body parts!

It is no surprise to most of you here that children today are bombarded with sexual images; many offer conflicting advice about sexual relationships, about sexual confidence, about sexual values, about sexuality itself. If you ever listen to teenagers talk about sex, you need a good translation guide for all the new words!

Rob Bell in his book "Sex. God" talks of Animals and Angels. He challenges the dominant worldview that ‘sex is inevitable’ – to be sexually free is to ‘just do it’, sex is just doing what comes naturally. Often we fear Sex Education in schools in case this type of teaching is what the child hears. Are they being taught that we are like animals and sex is biological, necessary and inevitable? Restraint or even abstinence is not possible?

I remember my sex education lessons at school took the rather bizarre journey from flowers to the reproductive life of a locust to humans. We were sort of left with the impression that we were just like locusts! A purely scientific answer to telling our children about sex does not convey a value message – it treats them like animals.

God did not create us to be like other animals:

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?
1 Cor 6:19 TNIV

We are not just a collection of urges and needs, but a being in which God resides. In Genesis we are told that we are created in God’s image – Rob Bell explains how this gives us a spiritual dimension not given to animals.

So God created human beings in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27 TNIV

ANGELS
Last week David Flowers read a passage from ‘Dear Maggie...’ the Agony Aunt Column in Christianity Magazine I was struck by the comment:

“I was brought up in a Christian household and sex wasn’t really talked about.......”

Why not?

Rob Bell would describe this as treating people as though they were Angels. Angels are spirits without a body, without a sexual dimension to their existence. By not talking about sex, we are treating children as Angels; we are ignoring a huge part of our child’s identity.

We are not just animals driven by instinctive reproductive urges but we are also not angels. God made us to be human and that makes us sexual beings. Is it helpful to tell our children nothing?

Paul, a leader of the early Church wrote to another leader called Timothy. In his first letter, he challenged the teaching that marriage should be rejected. The teaching had come about because some recognised sex as a powerful even destructive force and as such should be avoided and that meant no marriage. Paul disagrees and he said:

For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.
1Timothy 4:4-5

Sex and marriage are good things.

However, the abuse of them is not.

Statistics from a recent YouGov teen sex survey are quite frightening (those surveyed between 14 and 17):

• 58% of all 14-17 yr olds have viewed pornography on line, on mobile ‘phones, in magazines, movies or on tv.
• More than a third of teens say they rely on getting advice from friends, the internet, magazines and via pornography.
• Almost a third of teenagers say sex is not discussed openly at home.
• One in three 15year olds is sexually active.
• 20% of those surveyed had their first sexual experience at 13 or under. That’s one in 5.
• Just 6% of teens would wait until marriage before having sex.

A few weeks ago, David spoke about how the Bible educates us about Sex. He gave us the helpful illustration of how good sex requires relationships built on romance, security, companionship, unconditional love and sexual love. In order for children to develop a healthy view of sex that has a sense of moral value, we need to ensure they are able to develop these relationships. Helping our children and the children of those around us develop these relationships, we are helping them to form boundaries which in turn help them make value-decisions.

As a whole church community, not just as parents; but as kids workers, as teachers, as friends, we need to understand how children develop sexually and how we can help them to do this in a healthy, positive way. We need to consider our own behaviour to one another. Are we relaxed with each other affirming each other’s sexuality without crossing intimacy boundaries?

How we behave as a community will influence the children around us. Not just our own kids but all of the children. Values are caught not taught! So it is crucially important that we nurture good, biblical values together.

The problem is there is little that makes a parent squirm more than talking to their child about sex! They seem to pick the most awkward moments when we are at our most distracted. If they are anything like my children – they’ll think a crowded section of ‘Mothercare’ is a good place to ask (loudly) if girls can have a penis! How do we respond? What language do we use? Do we know the answer? (I would hope you would know whether or not girls can have a penis, but you get the general idea!)

The thought of talking about sex may well stir up all sorts of unhealthy stuff from our own past. Values we inherited which we now want to change. History we regret. It is fantastic that following Jesus allows us to start again, be forgiven for what lies behind and learn wise, healthy values. Whatever our values are will communicate to the children around us whether we like it or not.

The other day, my middle daughter asked me if she could marry daddy when she was older! There is an endearing innocence about this. Will talking to our kids about sex destroy this? Will it make them more likely to have sex at an early age? Is talking about sex a question of mechanics, a ‘big talk’? Or is it drip feeding essential, truthful information to our kids as they question the world around them. As children develop, they discover their world and ask questions. Sex is a part of that world.

Sexual education begins at birth. That may sound a bit outrageous to some people – but babies need sensory input; colour, physical touch, noise. As they grow they explore their world through touch and sight. They find their toes, they find their face, they find their genitals and that feels good. How many parents here can remember their child sat with hand in nappy! By 2 ½ the Core Gender Identity is established – by that I mean the deep down knowledge that I am a female, I am a male. At this age children need sensory stimulation.

As a child moves into toddlerhood (18 months to 3 years) they begin to exercise their first control over their body – toilet training! Oh we approach it with dread! How we respond to taking off their nappy tells them what we think of their genital area. We need to use positive language – to not associate the words dirty or horrid with their genitals is important.

This is a great time to begin to talk about body differences. How we respond to them has an impact. What words do we use for the body parts?

I did some research on mumsnet, a website for mums(!), and read some threads on this subject. Words ranged from minky, Minnie, front bottom and twinkle for girls to soldier, little man, periwinkle (I thought that was a flower) and tootle for boys.

At around this age (1 ½ -3), children are focused on Verbal Skill Development and so it is important to teach them correct language. Using other names may lead to them feeling we are uncomfortable with that area of the body and that we are uncomfortable discussing issues related to the penis or vagina. To a child it is not a dirty word or a naughty word – it is just a word! A giraffe is called a giraffe, a vagina is called a vagina.

If children ask questions, experts generally agree we should give a truthful answer. Antonio Grazioli, a GP and specialist on sexual dysfuncionality says that the child will either understand, or it will go over their heads, but the residual message is “I can ask”. It is too early to turn into a sex maniac!

Between the ages of 3 ½ and 6 the nerves to the genital area are fully developed. Children often continue to play with their genitals and this is a good time to talk to them about public and private behaviour. You could also introduce the topic of wanted and unwanted touch. Children need a language to communicate sexual stuff. ‘yes feelings’ and ‘no feelings’ are good ways to describe appropriate touch.

At around the age of 6, boys begin to disassociate with mum and associate with dad. This is hard when they are at school and the teachers are mostly female. They need good male role models. They need to see dads and men doing household chores, praying with them, praying with others, helping others; otherwise these become female actions and are labelled as ‘sissy’. These actions represent serving others, caring for others and promoting others – the bedrock of romance. Boys need to be able to see men in these ways in order to be able to function in a romantic way.

The female ‘sissy’ stereotype needs to be broken at an early age. In my home, there was no dad role model. My mum chose her friends well, couples with good marriages, and I would go for tea there and at times sleep over. I saw dads being dads and saw what a good marriage could be. I saw that I wanted that security, that companionship, that intimacy.

At around this age the questions increase in their intensity – they may become more specific, they may be general wonderings, sorting out misunderstandings or asked in order to allay underlying fears. Creating an ‘it’s okay to ask’ environment is important.

It is so important that we model and communicate our values here. As I said before, a child’s sexual values are caught, not taught. What we model in the home and in our community of faith is what our children will learn.

I teach teenagers Religious Education and also over the years have taught Personal and Health Education. Both of these cover what the government calls Sex and Relationships Education (SRE). I also am privileged to have pastoral responsibility for all the 15/16 year olds in my school. From this vantage point I have a fairly good understanding of teenagers and their questions about sex and sexuality.

In my work with teenagers, I regularly deal with their questions, worries, disasters, pregnancy scares, broken relationships, guilt, shame, fear – the list goes on. Last year, I was saddened to realise how many of my female students felt that oral sex was now quite normal on a first date and indeed for some a way of snagging someone else’s boy friend. In one rather frank conversation I had with a group of girls, they shared how they felt used by the boys. One girl said “I sleep with them to feel special, but I feel sort of dead inside when it’s over – I think all I really want is the cuddle”.

Talking to older children is often more nerve racking than explaining small bits about development or special cuddles etc to our younger children. Every now and then a parent will ask me to have “a talk” with their daughters about sex because they can’t face it themselves. The sad thing is, the vast majority of those girls have found out through experimenting much earlier on and the “talk” was far too late. The boundaries were not put in place at a young age. They didn’t know love could be expressed without genital contact. They had no understanding of dating, of romance, of boundaries.. Their information is gleaned from tv shows such as Hollyoaks, magazines and friends.

Teenagers are notoriously hard to talk to about anything! When a student is chatting to me and I approach the subject of sex their response is often “I know all of that stuff”. My response is, “tell me what you know and I’ll see if there are any gaps I can fill in for you” Usually the gaps are – personal boundaries, respect, safety, what love really means and how to say no. If you have built up a history of speaking openly with your child and there is an environment of “it’s okay to ask” then it’s a lot easier when they’re older.

Obviously I have a different relationship with these teenagers – a slightly more distant one, but they do tell me that the fact that I have values and am prepared to listen and offer an answer makes them feel safe enough to ask.

Be honest, if they ask a question you don’t know the answer to, say so and promise to find out. You could say “you know, I was never really told this stuff and I’m not sure I know, Can I find out and get back to you?”

If your child is approaching 10/11 and hasn’t asked any questions, it is probably a good idea to bring the subject up. Just turn on a soap for 10 minutes and wait for some kind of sexual reference or relationship to appear. Good grounds for discussion! You could use Biblical humour such as Song of Songs 4 and start with a discussion on dating, romance and where it leads.

Sexual development requires children to develop good self-esteem. As adults, we contribute to that through praising the children for who they are, by engaging with them in conversation, by valuing what they do. Last week the children led the first worship song. Some had written the words, others drummed, some made art work, others danced. All the adults who took part in that song showed the children approval. It raises their self esteem. We are teaching them we value them and they are precious. We are showing them love.

I want my children to feel so loved by me and the other people in their lives that when they are offered sex in the context of “It’ll make you feel special and loved” they can say – I already feel special and loved at home”. I want them to be able to express and feel love without needing genital contact.

Use books – good ones. Antonio Grizzoli gives this advice when choosing books:

1) Does it have pictures of animals instead of people? If so don’t use it.
2) Do the pictures of girls look like girls and boys look like boys? Does it avoid unhealthy gender stereotypes?
3) Is the text correct and helpful? Does it answer your child’s questions?

To summarize:

1) It is really important to answer questions truthfully in an age appropriate way. Do some reading, get some good books to give you an idea.
2) Start young in order to foster an environment where it’s okay to ask.
3) Don’t limit it to one ‘talk’. Research shows this is very awkward for older children and negates the impact of the talk.
4) Affirm children in their sexuality by praising them and celebrating key moments with them.
5) Affirm relationship and sexual values as a community in the way we talk and behave.

If we, as parents, as kids workers, as teachers, as friends, as people model relationships well to the children, if we praise them, value them, serve them, honour them, give them boundaries, provide safe places and relationships, offer unconditional love and show them we enjoy their company, then we are promoting sexual love as one part of a much bigger picture – sex then has a boundary and a context and is not inevitable on a first date.

A summary of the sexual development of children:

Birth to 18 months
Sensory stimulation and development
Sight/touch/sound/smell/taste

18 months to 3 years
The core gender identity is established. Boys know they are boys, girls that they are girls.
Verbal skills are developed. Children learn words for objects, people, body parts, emotions.
The way we speak about body parts is important. Words can easily convey the sense that body parts, especially the genitals, are dirty or ugly.

3.5 to 6 years
Nerves to the genital area are fully developed, and touching is pleasurable.
A good time to talk about public and private behaviour.
Also talk about "yes/no" feelings and unwanted touch.

6 years to teenager
Questions increase in intensity, answers should include reference to your values.
Boys need to see men involved in caring, nuturing and serving roles.
Bodies may begin to change. Girls can start menstruating as early as 8 years old.

Teenagers
Full of hormones and changes, a very confusing, scary and challenging time. Many teenagers have deep fears or anxieties about what is normal.
Need clear information and facts; but include emotions. Be prepared to correct misunderstandings.
Don't have one "big" talk, but drip-feed information and be ready to answer questions. Communicate your values.
Respect their privacy.

Maggie Gee, 02/11/2008

Tags: sex education