Six on Sex 6: Marriage - mystery or mission?

Zsa Zsa Gabor once said, "Personally, I know nothing about sex because I have always been married".

When I say that sex should in fact be saved for marriage some single people will say, "It is all right for you to say we shouldn't indulge, you can have it whenever you want." However, my experience as a pastor shows me that after an initial flurry of activity many couples' sex life settle into a state somewhere between the occasional and perfunctory coupling and nothing, building quiet resentment at perpetually foiled desire and an unspoken and unmet yearning for intimacy. Is that what it is meant to be like? Is that how God intended marriages to work out? I don't think so.

As we will see, marriage is intended to have a full enjoyable sex life.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24

Resources
Here are links to some useful resources on marriage and sex (The views expressed in the reviews or web-sites linked to here are not necessarily those of the Wharfedale Vineyard, and are merely some of the available links on these titles):

John Bradshaw podcast

Mars & Venus in the bedroom – John Gray

Marriage Course - from Holy Trinity Brompton and run at various churches in Leeds

Everyman & Everywoman series

Sex God – Rob Bell

Till death us do part – J John

The 60 minute marriage – Rob Parsons

Making more of Marriage – John and Ann Coles

Intimacy in Marriage – Costa Mitchell

I am today speaking mainly to the married couples.

The bachelor typed his request into the internet dating database: she needs to be small and attractive, loves water sports and group activities. The result popped up – try a penguin.

Our desire for marriage and sex is good and to be expected but don’t be fooled. Although there is a lot of sex about you don’t actually hear much about most people’s personal experience. The magazines on the newstand invariably have offers of:

• Sexual Super Power
• Earn Your Ph.D. in Sex
• The Supermarket of Sex
• Sex So Good your Neighbors Will Complain
• His 240 Sexual Secrets (240? Can you imagine having 240 secrets about anything, much less 240 sexual secrets? )
• Sex and Horoscopes
• Sex and Food
• Sex and Travel
• The Big Sex Issue
• Ten top tips for hot sex

You can go to a website that will help married people arrange affairs – “Life is short, have an affair” it says. It goes on to claim, “Monogamy is monotony”.

Yet if you look at the statistics this barrage of sexual assumption is not born out by the reality. Yougov interviewed 1000 women for Stella. The results show that:

• Fewer than 1 in 5 women are worried about losing their partner
• Fewer than 1 in 12 think that marriage is outdated
• Less than 50% of women have had more than two sexual relationships
• 9 out of 10 women have never cheated
• 0.3% - that is 3 out of the 1000 asked – have had botox treatment

The films we watch and books we read lead us to believe that falling into an entirely fulfilling, passionate, spontaneous, smell-free and noise-free clinch is normal experience for everyone else. But when did you last actually talk about your sex life with your spouse or a friend – except to complain? Rarely, I think. It is just not the bed of roses we are given to believe.

To my surprise I find myself quoting David Beckham here, “My marriage is a work in progress and I don’t want it to end.”

For all the soft lighting and perfect hairdos of Hollywood sex, it is generally more confusing and messy. Real sex is usually complicated by the husband and wife having different things on their mind, different expectations, needing to deal with bad breath and body odour, tiredness and physical constraints. When you think about it sex can look like a very ridiculous activity. It is not at all difficult to end up giggling or weeping at the absurdity of it all and it is difficult to hide your own insecurities and physical and psychological flaws.

Whatever your sexual challenges and personal issues as a single person – once you get married they just re-emerge in a different form. In fact our insecurities and flaws are magnified in the intensity of marriage - especially within the intimacy of sex.

John and Ann Coles say in "Making More of Marriage":

Our society hates to admit to having problems over sex. Because we are products of a society which venerates sex we find it hard to admit to a problem in this area of our lives. Sadly some Christian couples put a spiritual veneer on their difficulties and start thinking that it is not important to have sex any longer, because there are more spiritual things to get on with.

Some of these problems emerge because we are very different, us boys and girls.
There is what Bono calls a “Mysterious distance between a man and a woman”.

The French had a debate about whether computers should they be male or female in French? Le or la computer.

The boys think computers should be female:
• No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
• The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
• Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The girls think computers should be male:
• In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
• They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves;
• They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
• As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

Let me ask you, men first, then women:
• What do you want from your sex life with your wife/husband?
• What turns you on during the course of a normal day and in your wife/husband
• What turns you off?

We are very different – we could talk about the differences for a long time but let’s highlight some of the differences that tend to exist between men and women when it comes to sex:

Men	Women
Wants more sex	Can do with less
Turned on visually	Turned through relationship & time together
Turned on quickly (like a gas ring)	Turned on slowly (like an electric ring)
Cool down quickly	Cool down slowly
Focus on the orgasm and intercourse – 60 seconds of foreplay is enough (in fact turning off the TV remote is considered foreplay)	Enjoy foreplay and touch – 40 minutes is fine – and then maybe just go to sleep without needing intercourse
Are not easily distracted from the task	May well be thinking of many things
Is not easily put off	Can be turned off mysteriously easily
After orgasm tends to need some time before being easily aroused again	Can experience more than one orgasm without loss of sex drive
Isn’t affected by child birth, can’t get pregnant	Has quite some recovery to go through, Very aware of pregnancy
Usually straightforward to reach orgasm, can easily reach orgasm through intercourse	Can be a puzzling & lengthy journey, primarily reaches orgasm through stimulation, not often through intercourse

Peter Guinness says sex is like learning to play a finely tuned instrument – like a violin. But then just as you get the hang of it the next time the violin is presented to you it is a different shape and colour!

Why did God make it so complicated and contrasting?

Genesis 4:1
And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.

Although not many translations are explicit, the old King James translation uses this phrase, “to know”, which, I think, carries some real insight. It begins to make sense when you consider this mysterious distance between a man and a woman. It is not easy for a husband to satisfy his wife unless he knows her. Until they have taken the time to get to know each other and to be intimate they will struggle to be effective as lovers. Until he is trustworthy enough for her to share her needs and desires, and until he listens enough to hear her, he may always struggle to work things out. Unless she knows him deeply and trusts him she will struggle to understand his needs.

This is what I mean by "Marriage: mystery v mission"

Agatha Christie said, "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."

A marriage is not a mission project to be completed, executed, worked out and solved. It is a mystery to be explored and enjoyed, puzzled over and persisted with. I have read a lot of books about marriage and sex in marriage and many of them default to being a manual – especially secular books. Few call us to the challenge of living with mystery.

My encouragement to you is to approach your marriage as a mystery to be explored and enjoyed, not a mission to be accomplished. Each individual whom God has created is special and unique. The person sitting next to you is special and unique. When God looks at them he sees a precious person whom he loves dearly. An individual with their own peculiarities and personality. Underneath the physical appearance (which is also unique), there is an individual thinking about life, a soul searching for relationship and meaning. That precious person has been formed and malformed by years of life experience but whatever state they are in, God’s valuation has not changed and he loves that person so much that he went to the extreme of self sacrifice to win them back – to rescue them.

So the person to whom you are married is an indescribably special person with many depths of being yet to be discovered and shared. They are not just a companion for lonely times, not just a partner for sexual enjoyment or, worse, a human resource from whom you can gain some benefit. They are a deep mystery from God and if you have been joined together in marriage you will spend the rest of your life discovering more and more about each other – never quite getting there.

And because marriage is a lifetime commitment it provides the ultimate training ground for personal development. When other relationships become difficult it is easier to avoid the challenge. With marriage we have to work it through. It is relatively easy to be like Jesus when we meet a stranger – we smile, we assume the best and give them a coffee and offer to pray for them. We can be kind and gracious for 10 minutes and then leave. How often do we look at our wife or husband and, laying aside the little annoyances and habits, smile, assume the best, give them a coffee and offer to pray for them? Do we maintain kindness and graciousness with them beyond 10 minutes, 24 hours, for life?

There are 5 stages in establishing a marriage relationship:

Stage 1 – Gooey
The flush of romance. We go to extreme measures to look good and be wanted. We buy presents, shave carefully, attend to the little things. A man could even give the impression that he isn’t interested in sex – just interested in her company. Any little annoyances in the other are overlooked. We bring loads of baggage – family history, sexual experience and sexual expectations - but we try not to let it affect our romance.

Stage 2 - Marriage and honeymoon
At last, it is legal, we can have sex, we are meant to have sex, we want to be together and can go at it with enthusiasm. We can spend time on the mystery tour that is the other person’s body. That is the theory, I don’t actually know of many honeymoons that live up to the expectations of the participants!

Stage 3 - Reality
We get back to our jobs and careers, we get back to our social lives and extended families. We begin to discover little things that the other does which they won’t change and which really bug us. I like the music on too loud, Alison doesn’t put the top back on the toothpaste. We may communicate about the easy things – which house to buy, what career to pursue, even how to manage the money – but we stop talking about sex. Instead we settle to a predictable pattern which stops becoming exciting and special and often just stops.

We read into each other’s behaviour and sulk and pursue imaginary arguments with the other about what we want to do in bed in which they always lose but we still don’t seem to get what we want.

Other factors begin to influence our marriage and our sex – financial pressures, tiredness, pregnancy, childbirth, raising the children, busyness, physical changes, health problems, damage to self esteem or reputation. It does not seem like a mystery now. It feels like a drudge of a mission.

Alternatives begin to appeal – a woman at work, a caring man in the housegroup, the always available beauty in the magazine, the passionate hero in the story, the porn star who will do anything you want.

Stage 4 – Decision time
It is time to make a decision to persevere with the magical mystery tour (maybe more than once). What are the choices:
• Some will pursue other forms of sexual activity (have an affair or visit porn sites);
• Some will close down. Stop communicating, let sex either cease altogether or become a dull, predictable exercise. And sometimes, marriages do break down. Sometimes, particularly when one partner does not want to commit to restoring the relationship, relationships can become too damaged and too damaging. There is God's grace and mercy for that, too.
• Some will turn toward the person with whom you exchanged rings and to whom you made that solemn vow: “To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part”. Decide to turn toward them and commit yourself to cherish them again, and again, and again.

Stage 5 – Experience love
Over time and with intention we can build the 5 loves we previously examined and eventually experience love including sexual love. As we cherish the other we find ourselves on an extraordinary, mystery journey. And out of that can emerge a satisfying and completing sexual love. Sex within this mystery becomes potentially more and more enjoyable and fulfilling.

We have said all along that:

Rob Bell, Sex.God
Sex is not the search for something that is missing it is the expression of something that has been found.

Let me approach this from a different angle.

What is the pay-off for marriage – what has your wife/husband gained from marriage to you? When you made those promises in the marriage ceremony – preceded by many discussions on nights out and over romantic meals – you were giving up on many freedoms and opportunities and lifestyle choices. What were you going to get back in return?

Are you delivering on your wife’s or your husband’s hopes and expectations for spending their life with you? It is not about whether you are getting what you want but are they getting what you promised?

Dita von Teese (Burlesque celebrity and ex wife of Marilyn Manson), “I love the rituals of being married, but if I marry again I would change the bit in the vows from “till death us do part” to “I’m really in love with you right now”.

The more the husband demands sexual intercourse, the less the wife will be willing to give it. If we insist on sex as our right, it becomes reduced to a duty performed. Only if it is freely given as a response to love and care and security and companionship does it become the gift it can be. Men, the best sex you will have is when your wife wants it.

And giving my wife the companionship and romance she craves in order to get physical sex is equally wrong. That is manipulation. I need to make a free gift of my love, companionship, romance, security. She can give me in return the free gift of physical sex – the whole deal is what we call sexual love.

Does God love your love for your wife/husband?

You have been entrusted with the priceless essence of another soul (Arterburn & Stoeker).

How are you delivering on that trust? Most marriages have challenges and sharp edges – your job is not to point out his or her faults and sharp edges (they probably know already) but to deal with yours so that you stop hurting them.

The Genesis statement about being one flesh is beautifully described in Songs of Solomon. Listen to the way two people express their love and sexual desire for each other (bear in mind that the language is 3,000 years old and written in Palestine).

The man:
How beautiful you are my darling
Oh how beautiful
Your eyes behind your veil are doves
Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon
Your mouth is lovely
All beautiful you are my darling
There is no flaw in you
You have stolen my heart, my sister my bride
You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes
How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride
Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel
Your hair is like royal tapestry
The king is held captive by its tresses
How beautiful you are and how pleasing
O love with your delights

The woman:
My lover is radiant and ruddy
Outstanding among ten thousand
His head is purest gold
His hair is wavy
And black as raven
His mouth is sweetness itself
He is altogether lovely
This is my lover, this is my friend
I belong to my lover
And his desire is for me
Let us go early to the vineyards
There I will give you my love
The mandrakes send out their fragrance
And at our door is every delicacy
Both new and old
That I have stored up for you, my lover.

This is a poem, in fact the whole book is an erotic poem about the love of a husband and wife. Read it with your imagination running! You may be thinking that you compare unfavourably with the description of the man or the woman. Well of course, it is a poem – and they would have compared unfavourably too in reality. However, it is a statement of intent and attitude and it reflects God’s attitude to you. He loves you and sees you as special and precious.

God cherishes us despite our unattractiveness. If God can love us like this then we can make the decision to love each other. We can stop noticing the extra bit of weight they have put on, their annoying habits, the fact they haven’t flossed recently.

We pursue that decision to stop complaining and start to cherish. For some of you – in particular the women – you will need to learn to receive love and admiration and approval. You will need to learn to be cherished.

And as we start to tend this mysterious garden our love and wonder and appreciation will grow.

In my experience as a pastor I see marriages that:

1. Have too much sex – but of the wrong sort (see my talk on sexual immorality)
2. Don’t have enough sex
3. Have predictable, boring sex
4. Have sex that upsets one partner, breaches personal boundaries
5. Are in sexual difficulty
6. End up in parallel lives where they don’t discover anything new about each other for months, years, on end

I would like to draw toward a conclusion by suggesting some actions, ten hot tips!, you can take if your sex life and your marriage have lost some mystery and fun and enjoyment. At the risk of repeating ourselves and at the risk of sounding strange to the single people who have never been married, I want to remind married couples that sex is a good thing. It needs to be a regular part of your life.

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message translation)
It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.

Ten top tips:

1. Focus on the 3 T’s – time, talk and tenderness;
2. Invest in your marriage: read the chapter on sex in Making more of Marriage, do the questionnaire each. Do the Marriage Course – in fact do it every 3 or 4 years;
3. Schedule a regular, weekly, date night which includes sex – sounds a bit mechanical but can be very effective. You can plan so that you are not too tired or likely to be disturbed. You can be thinking about it during the day. It can be very exciting. As they say, If a man wants a wild Friday night he needs to start working on it on Monday morning. But be available for spontaneous sex too, try and accept unpredictability;
4. If you haven’t had sex for a while (after child birth, or illness or falling out) consider sensate touch. In other words agree a programme of sexual intimacy which starts with non sexual touch, kissing, massage etc and moves through more intimate touch eventually to intercourse and orgasm - over several weeks;
5. Hold hands in public (and private);
6. Let your children see you being physical with each other;
7. If you have children – hang in there; work a bit harder at making time and a safe place. Put a lock on the bedroom door. Make sure your children can’t interrupt – they will get the picture quickly enough;
8. If you are finding sexual release somewhere outside of your marriage (pornography, habitual masturbation, TV, or another person), stop it. As a follower of Jesus you don’t have that option and it is quite probably the cause of the problem. If you don’t attend to your own vineyard (sex within your marriage) then there is no surprise that it is not fruitful;
9. If your husband or wife doesn’t like something you like to do then find a different way of satisfying his or her need;
10. If your sex life is in trouble, get some help: talk to your housegroup leader or ask for referral to someone with experience or for professional help. Go to Relate – they will help you talk.

True love and most of all sexual love is something that is not experienced in the flush of youth and early romance but in the deep relationship established over many years and through the good times and the bad times.

To those of you who are hoping one day to be married – I call you to make that marriage commitment in full awareness that is a lifetime commitment to a mystery.

To those of you who are married and for whom the overflow of sex is not what you hoped – I call you to turn away from looking at your marriage as a failed mission and instead to turn to him or her and re-commit to the mystery of marriage with a pledge to cherish your husband or wife.

David Flowers, 23/11/2008

Tags: marriage, relationships topic, sex topic