Six on Sex 3: Spiders' Webs and Skeletons

My aim in this series is not particularly to educate you or to provide advice about sex. There is plenty of information out there if you are interested. Channel 4 has been running a series on Tuesday evenings which will provide you with more information than you could ever want to know. In fact, we found out this week that our children are to be given sex & relationship education from age 5. I plugged “sex” into Google and reached 652 million sites in 0.13 seconds. Even the Women’s Institute have produced a Sex Video for its members.

More helpfully you can get useful information and wise advice from these sorts of sources (the links take you to web-sites that provide further information about the books and resources and where you can get hold of them, which you may find helpful. However, the contents of these sites do not necessarily reflect the opinions and attitudes of the Wharfedale Vineyard or any of its employees):

• Sex God – the book we are using a the inspiration behind this series
• Everyman’s Battle – dealing with issues of sexual temptation, and here the book on GoogleBooks
• Sex has a price tag – the cost of getting it wrong
• Broken Image – healing the damage
• Antonio Grazioli – CD series on a biblical approach to sex education, (possibly available from the church office soon)
• John Bradshaw - his book "Healing the Shame that binds you" and his pod cast on shame and on relationships
• Alan Scott – Causeway Coast's series of talks called "Pure Sex"

My purpose in this series is twofold:
1. To provide a biblical reference point for thinking about sex;
2. To provide an opportunity for us to deal with issues arising.

Caveat: like Erik I will almost certainly say things that can be taken as double-entendres or innuendos. If I mean it like that it will be obvious. Otherwise, just bear with me. I will use some terminology which is not what you will normally hear in a sermon after a time of worship. If that would offend you it is perfectly OK to slip out and go help with the kids or go for a walk, etc.

Let’s recap where we have got to from Erik’s 1st talk and mine of a couple of weeks ago:

Sex is created by God to reflect his image, to give us a taste of heaven.
Coitus is relatively straightforward compared to trying to get the rest of it right.
But for sex to be the wonderful good that God promised we need to have in place romance, security, companionship and unconditional love.
To enjoy good sex takes a huge amount of work over a long period of time and is a major undertaking: which is why it is given the heavyweight qualification of marriage.

As Rob Bell puts it in "Sex.God":
Sex is not the search for something that is missing it is the expression of something that has been found.

The challenge of purity

Listen to what Paul, one of the foremost thinkers and speakers of the early Christian church, commands us to do in his letter written to the Ephesians, in Chapter 5, Verses 1-5:

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.

Or again in his letter to the church in Corinth, in 1 Corinthians 6:18

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man/woman commits are outside their body, but he/she who sins sexually sins against their own body.

Steven Arterburn and Fred Stoeker put it like this in their book "Everyman’s Battle":

You are sexually pure when no sexual gratification comes from anyone or anything but your husband or wife.

As soon as we announced that we were going to teach a series on sex, most of you will have felt a little hot under the collar, especially the men. Very few of us have lived lives without “a hint of sexual immorality”. And being the sort of subject it is, very few of us have shared this part of our lives with many people, maybe not even with our spouses, maybe not even with our Lord – and maybe not even with ourselves.

You know that when you have a big spider’s web and you just touch one side of it, the whole web trembles. It is like that with sex and sexual immorality. I mention the issue of sex and that touches an area of shame for you which trembles across the spider’s web of your life causing other reactions - emotional responses, avoidance, other crises, ill health.

A different image would be to explain it like this. Many of us have cupboards in our “house”, our inner soul. Cupboards full of good things, mostly, but hidden in the corner are skeletons which rattle when disturbed – so we don’t often go there for the good things. These skeletons can be memories of sexual immorality – done by us or done to us.

Some of us have habits which we can’t figure out – where does this compulsion come from? Although it is ours and we must take responsibility for it there is always the possibility that it is passed on to us through trauma or the family line – a bit like alcoholism or unspoken family rules.

Skeletons

Let me tell you what I think most frequently constitutes sexual immorality in our lives:

1. Having sexual intimacy with someone who is not our husband or wife. That includes:

Sex before marriage
Adultery. Bed starts with coffee. Coffee starts with eye contact. My rule is I will not make eye contact with a woman for more than a second or two and I won’t put myself in a situation where I am on my own with a woman (e.g. driving). Partly to ensure that I don’t get tempted, partly to ensure people are watching my eye contact and partly because I want to give no grounds to anyone to make allegations.
Webcam sex, swinging, threesomes
Habitual masturbation
Rape or sexual abuse

2. Watching pornography or reading pornographic books and magazines

The word pornography comes from the Greek word pornea which is the word the Bible uses whenever it talks about sexual immorality.

Maybe you are thinking, “Come on David, it's no big deal, not many people here have fallen into this way of life.” Well I beg to differ. Many of you will have been victims of sexual abuse of one sort or another, especially women who have been made to feel like objects rather than a special person created by God. And the main issue for men is porn.

Porn detaches you from the person – you aren’t looking into the eyes of the woman (or man). It objectifies women (and men) and results in losing the ability to know intimacy when it matters. A retired porn star once said that the more you have sex with people the less able you are to be intimate with someone.

Whereas women are turned toward sex most often through relationship, intimacy and connection, men are turned toward sex visually.

As an example, think about different ways that men and women take a shower – when she takes a shower she comes out wrapped head to toe in towels and sprints across the landing to get somewhere she can get changed before he catches her. On the other hand he takes a shower he takes his time, prances slowly across the floor with the very smallest towel loosely wrapped around, in the vain hope that she will swoon into his arms pulling the towel away as she does so.

As a result of this visual aspect to sexual attraction, pretty well all of the men in this room struggle with controlling their thought lives when faced with the barrage of sexual imagery all around them. There is a biological connection between what the eyes see and the sexual trigger of an erection for a man.

That includes our interaction here in our church community. Women, I understand your desire to look good. And you are meant to do that. Be proud of your bodies and what God has given you. But be aware that what may simply look less than attractive to you can be arousing for men around you. And what may look good to you is incredibly attractive to some of the men (particularly your husband). And I am not talking about the men who are on the lookout and whistling. I am talking about the good guys, ones in this room, who do their best to keep their eyes on your face not on your cleavage and who, from a distance, do their best to look generally in your direction rather than focusing on your legs or bum.

Most men have seen some porn within the last few days or weeks – maybe a magazine or a late night TV programme on channel 5 or maybe they followed a link on one of the spam emails they received or found themselves logging onto a sex site on their PDA.

All men will be able to remember that first time our eyes fell onto a pornographic image – a friend hawking a magazine around the school playground, exploring the internet on a friend's computer, visiting a cinema one wet afternoon when you bunked off school or work, finding a book on your Dad’s bookshelf, ending up in a pole dancing club on someone’s birthday.

It is hard to wipe those images from our memory – they are burned onto the hard drive of our minds.

I think it fair to say that all the men I know are either:

Targeted – a barrage of missiles are being aimed at them whilst they fight for their purity
Tempted – struggling to remain pure whilst surrounded by endless seduction
In trouble – succumbing to porn on a regular basis

3. Talking/thinking about men or women in ways that remove their individual identity and make them objects of sexual thinking. That includes jokes and fantasies.

The challenge is: Flee from sexual immorality. 1 Corinthians 6:18

Jesus sets the template for sexual behaviour.

6 step strategy for achieving purity:

1. Maintain personal spiritual discipline – read the bible every day, pray constantly, give generously, fast from that which gives you comfort, nurture the presence of God in your life every minute of every day. Often, worship is the first thing to go.

2. Own the problem – it isn’t out there, it is within you. Jesus says that it is from our hearts that all sorts of bad stuff leaks out. Just like with an alcohol addiction or a shopping addiction, the issue isn’t that the pub sells beer or that every magazine is offering a prettier dress. The compulsion comes from within and it is your own challenge to deal with it.

Will involve a conversation with the enemy where he will raise a number of convincing objections:

If anyone finds out you will be the laughing stock – no one else has this problem;
You have failed again, you will never be able to deal with this;
Don’t be so legalistic, the law brings death;
Why bother when there is no real downside;
How can you live like this for the rest of your life, give up now and I’ll leave you alone;
You will struggle in business situations and lose work;

Nick Horley in the New Statesman put it like this:
“This is not just striptease: it is quasi-sex, skilfully presented as legitimate, harmless and socially responsible. It had the effect of persuading me that full, paid for sex, something I had thought my inhibitions and ethics would never permit, was a logical, acceptable step.”

At www.living-waters-uk.org you will find a useful workbook on sexual addiction.

3. Don’t go it alone – the first thing an alcoholic learns to say when he joins AA is, “My name is David and I am an alcoholic”. The one absolute truth is that you won’t beat this on your own if you have a sexual addiction to porn or lust or masturbation. Similarly, you may not be sinning but are struggling with homosexuality or psycho-sexual issues.

For men, if you are married I don’t necessarily think that you should go to your wife first of all because women really find it difficult to understand how God could have made men susceptible to something that is so demeaning and damaging.

Find another two men/women to whom you can confess the problem and who can act as your (1) a friend and encourager and (2) someone with expertise. They can hold you accountable by asking you questions every couple of weeks or so.

4. Covenant with your eyes – Job 31:1 says, I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. You have a choice about whether or not to have that drink, smoke that cigarette, buy those clothes and whether or not you will let your eyes drift over the body of that pretty thing just walking past – note how she becomes a pretty thing not a person.

What you have is a habit – like any other bad habit – and like any habit you can change and develop a new one. What it takes is repeated correct actions over a period of time, they usually say 3 weeks. Let’s say 6 weeks. Work really hard at this for 6 weeks and you may find that the habit of your eyes is to bounce away not toward the source of temptation.

5. Decide what it is that captures your eyes – low slung blouses, adverts for Lynx, films, porn on internet, lingerie catalogues, joggers, beach volleyball – as these images, whatever it is for you, cross your line of vision, you currently allow your eyes to linger and drink in the view. You need to very deliberately create strategies whereby you see fewer of these views and when you do you remind your self of the covenant you have made and bounce your eyes away – immediately.

2 Corinthians 10:5
We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Arterburn and Stoeker describe it as going cold-turkey – with all the withdrawal symptoms and courage and fight that needs. What husbands will find is that as your visual appetite is starved out there, it is increasingly fed at home. Your wife may be surprised that your appreciation of her increases and that you want more sex (as may always have been the case) in which case you may have to explain to her what is going on.

Women – you have your own version of this. For some it is porn like for the men. A growing number of women struggle with porn. But for many it is the illusory romance of Hollywood or Mills & Boon. One Mills&Boon book is bought every 4 minutes. Other such titles include:

Desire: Provocative and sensual love stories. Enjoy innovative plots with intensely passionate heroes and heroines that make a fast-paced and emotionally powerful read.
Blaze: Hot and sexy. Couples in contemporary romantic relationships embark on sexual adventures and fantasy journeys. There is a promise of intimate experiences and total satisfaction.

Every plot includes a dashing man who is always good looking, intelligent, professional, emotionally connected, saves the day and wins the heroine.

You are sucked into a fantasy world of heroes and romance which leaves you deeply dissatisfied with the reality with which you live.

6. Porn Perimeter. This is a major issue. I am told that some 80% of men and 20% of women visit porn sites on the internet (and that the percentages are not much different in the church). Apart from messing up your current or future marriage or relationships it saps your soul and poisons your spiritual life. Ways you can deal with this include

Have your computer screen visible to others, note problem with PDAs
Have someone else in the church examine your (and your children’s) PC and PDA once a year (in the course of virus checking etc) – Ian or Timm or others.

You can also use some of the web-resources below, which allow you to filter out inappropriate sites, or to track your viewing habits:

Why does the Bible make life so difficult and take something that can be so much fun and is so enticing and is so available and remove it from our enjoyment? Well primarily because it is there for our enjoyment but is so designed to be enjoyed in a certain way.

Sexual immorality poisons the good thing that is sex and spoils it. It falls short of God’s design. It creates an enticement of escape, release, enjoyment but always drops you short. You never come out of sexual immorality feeling great – compared to having sex with your spouse in the context of romance, security, companionship and unconditional love.
And the effect of sexual immorality on the rest of your life is devastating – changing the way you see people, particularly your husband or wife, how you deal with children, the sense of what you are like that other people can somehow just feel.

And if it involves sex outside marriage, one day it will catch up with you and your world will fall apart.

It is like being given a diesel engine car and putting in petrol because it is cheaper and easier to get hold of. The car doesn’t work for long. And though you may sit in it and listen to the radio and twiddle with the controls, you won’t get anywhere or have any real fun.

Spiders' Webs

Having looked at skeletons I want to finish by reflecting on shame – the spider’s web.

There are two sorts of shame:

1. Healthy shame
This is the shame that keeps us in line. It is closely allied to conscience and it is what sets boundaries around us. When we sense a feeling of shame we realise that, for one reason or another we are entering dangerous territory. And if we are not careful our immediate response is to cover it up, hide it.

That’s why it is so important to share with someone else. If you are too ashamed to share then it is a sure sign that you are in trouble.

2. Toxic shame
This is different. This is the shame that has scarred you as a result of something in which you have been involved and which has settled within you like an unwanted guest in the house or like the skeleton in the cupboard. However, toxic shame is often made worse because it may also be public and carries humiliation with it.

a. You may carry the shame of a sexual addiction and my previous comments have been hard to take in.
b. Or you may have the shame of sexual sin in your past which still lingers and infects the present like a bad smell creeping out from under the door of the cupboard.
c. Or you may carry the shame of something done to you which has left a deep and enduring scar in your life – rape, abuse, humiliation or constantly being treated as an object not a person.

Living a life where we never allow the great forgiver to heal and wash and clean away our damage is like living in a house with doors that are never opened concealing skeletons of past trauma and sin. Skeletons that rattle occasionally and doors from under which unpleasant smells leak from time to time. Spiders webs that tremble when something in our life gets touched on.

I have great news for you. God knows all about your shame, he knows all about it, what happened or happens. And he loves you completely. We celebrated communion earlier when we were reminded of his sacrifice that pays the price and brings us the offer of forgiveness.

There is no condemnation. As Paul says in his letter to the church in Rome:

Romans 8:1
There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because through him the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Isaiah 53: 5 says:
He was pierced for our transgressions and by his wounds we are healed.

You may be seeking healing from the deep wounds of damage done to you. You may be seeking forgiveness and healing from a lifestyle of sexual immorality.

I want you to know that God’s grace is more than sufficient for your healing and your forgiveness. Open those cupboards in your house and let him shine the light in there, take out the skeletons, wash it clean and present it back to you for daily use! Let him have those memories and the pain of the past and by his power and grace bring wholeness and healing. No more spider’s web.

Although this is about you it is about all of us. We are all in this together as a community of faith. Whatever struggle you are going through we will not be judging or condemning you – rather, let’s work together to set the prisoner free, to minister grace and mercy to each other. As each of you come to terms with sin or hurt or brokenness and allows God’s grace to bring healing and forgiveness, we become more whole as a body.

How about it? Why don’t we aim to make this a safe place where people can deal with sexual brokenness and where we can shine as a bright light in a dark world of sexual immorality? That people might walk across the threshold and say to themselves, “There is something different about the men and women here.”

How about it? That the Kingdom of God is seen in a community of men and women who love each other, care for each other, affirm the sexuality and beauty of the other but don’t look at each other with lust. A group of people whose needs are met from God and each other in the appropriate and healthy way.

How about it? Shall we set about sorting this, giving God permission to change us and heal us and set us free and become a community that is so attractive to all who wander by?

If you have come today and would like prayer for something – nothing to do with this subject – that is great and I want to ensure that you have the opportunity to receive that.

If you have come today and want to make a response to Jesus – you want to commit your life to following him (first time or repeated) I want you to be able to do that too.

But many of you need to respond to what I have challenged you with today – I sense Jesus has been speaking to you and calling you into a new, open, pure lifestyle and into healing & forgiveness from the past.

I recognise that these are delicate, private issues (although that is half the problem) and I don’t want to embarrass you but neither do I want you to miss the chance of receiving the powerful mercy of God.

Then let us repent and ask Jesus to come.

Hear this promise taken from Joel 2:25-27 – new life and harvest after devastation and famine, a metaphor for renewal and restoration in all our lives:

Be glad, O people of God; rejoice in the Lord your God, for he has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten, the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed. Then you will know that I am in the Vineyard, that I am the Lord your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed.

David Flowers, 26/10/2008

Tags: sex topic